Doubts.

When I first dreamed about attending culinary school years ago, I never imagined myself becoming a chef, or owning a restaurant.  I just wanted to learn how to cook.  I wanted to entertain friends and family, and I wanted to be damn good at it.  I had no idea who Gordon Ramsay, Thomas Keller, or Joel Robuchon were, nor did I aspire to be them.  Is that odd?  You might be thinking, "Then why go to culinary school when you can just take a few instructional classes on the side?  Why waste all that money?"  The only answer I have is that this is something I've wanted to do for over half my life.  I wanted to live abroad (France specifically), and I wanted to learn French cuisine from the French themselves.  I wanted to be able to cook and entertain friends at my house.  I didn't want to be some fake-ass-Rachael-Ray-copycat.  I wanted Michelin star experience under my belt, and I wanted to bring that level of quality and excellence into the home kitchen for friends and family.  It is a lousy explanation, I know, but this is how I feel.

At times I feel as if I were pressured into wanting to be a chef.  Today I am staging at a restaurant and I am unsure whether or not I want to pursue this as a career.  My friends and coworkers talk to me as if they're planning my future for me.  "You're going to be a chef.  You will be the next Top Chef.  You will have your own TV Show like 'Hell's Kitchen,'  You're going to make so much money.  We can't wait until you open your own restaurant."

First of all, for every 1 chef that makes it big there are a million more who are broke and struggling, and I am not a prodigy.  This is not the path that I want.  I've tried explaining my intentions and feelings to my friends, but I am immediately shut down with assurance that I will be "God's greatest gift" to the culinary world, or that I am being ridiculous.

I am now a month into my stage and it has become a love-hate relationship.  The prep work is ok for the most part, but when it gets bad, it gets BAD!  The other week I had to clean a whole hotel pan (roughly 30lbs) full of Jerusalem artichokes.  I stood in front of a sink for 4 hours scrubbing the damn things.  The bristles on the brush I used began to fall off from the scrubbing.  I almost quit that day, but I persevered.  I spoke to one of the cooks this past weekend and she mentioned that everyone was talking about how bad they felt for me.  I just laughed it off, but I am secretly fearful of the day I get that task again.  I don't know what I will do.

Sometimes when I am about to give up, something happens that draws me back to the restaurant.  This past weekend, one of the cooks commissioned me make a component for one of the dishes he cooks.  He gave me a recipe list and after I gathered everything, he taught me how to make it.  As he was teaching me each step, he went into detail about why it was made this way, why I had to do this, what the outcome would be if I were do to it one way versus another.  I really enjoyed this.  I got to put my hands in something that would be served.  It isn't like the pastry line where I just plate something.  I actually cooked food with my own hands (even though it was very basic)!  It is little moments like these which make the grind all worth it.  Also my friendship with Ms. Stars is starting to progress very well.  I look to her for advice and companionship. 

In closing, I must reiterate my doubts on becoming a chef.  This is/can be a very tough field to work in.  I applaud all the cooks and chefs out there.  These people are super soldiers and should be revered.  They've sacrificed their family, friends, and a life of leisure to serve you, the customer.  All I can say is Thank You for doing what you do.  I will still go to culinary school as I have always planned to do, but what I do afterwards is still up in the air.  Time will tell.

Week 2 of Stage

Week 2 of my stage and things are running smoothly. . .for the most part.  I am now flowing with the routine, but things are still tough.  I show up for work around 10-10:30am and it is a straight grind until our family meal around 4pm.  Time does not fly by when you're doing prep work, at least not for me.  What feels like 4 hours of peeling and chopping is actually 1 hour.  It infuriates me to no end when I check the time, which is why I stopped.  I just keep my head down and work until I hear that it is time for the family meal.

Dinner service is hectic, but I manage to stay afloat.  I am still working in pastry and it seems like I will be working the pastry line until I leave for school.  I don't mind it.  My role on the line has increased a little bit, but I am not plating the main desserts yet.  I try to watch the line cooks whenever I get the chance.  Those guys are a well oiled machine.  I observed Mr. Samurai go into the oven to pull out one of his pans, and while he was in there he also pulled out Mr. Pirate's pan, seeing as it was done.  Pirate then turns around, grabs the pan and plates the food.  All this without any words exchanged.  I was astonished.

Everyone at the restaurant is pretty cool.  I was expecting to be hazed and treated like shit, but it is quite the opposite.  I am still skeptical though.  Maybe they're baiting me in before they drop the ball on me! Or it is just paranoia.  Babyface and another chef we'll call 'Ogre,' are the jokers of the group.  They're always making me laugh with their quirky behavior and jokes.  They both also teach me a lot as well, along with Ms. Stars.  I am truly grateful.

We had to power wash the kitchen and wipe down everything on Sunday night after service (NOT FUN!).  Chef power washed everything and even started wiping down the stoves.  He was wiping up all the nasty grease and was getting dirty.  He didn't relegate the task to someone else.  Respect!  Afterwards he bought us all beers for our hard work.  I am liking this place more and more.

Week 1 of Stage

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  This is how I would describe my first week as a stagiaire, well more like my first 2 days.  Due to my work schedule, I can only work Saturday and Sunday.  For any aspiring chef out there, I must reiterate what every other chef will tell you.  This job is HARD!  It's not as glamorous as it seems on TV.  I have been in the restaurant business before, but that cannot compare to the caliber of the restaurant I am staging at.  Be aware my fellow home cooks!

SATURDAY
When I first arrived at the restaurant one of the cooks gave me an extremely quick tour of the restaurant.  We were moving so fast that it was impossible for me to memorize where everything was.  After our tour he left me in the back area.  For the first hour of my shift, no one really spoke to me or gave me instructions on what to do.  I kind of just stood around looking like an idiot, hands in my pocket, watching everyone else prep.  Finally a cook (code name: Babyface),  probably feeling sorry for me, came and helped me get set up.  He gave me a few tasks to work on and left to go back to prepping his own stuff.  A few cooks for the dinner shift started showing up, but no one tried to introduce themselves, and being a newbie, I was afraid to talk to them.  After a while 2 cooks (Stars & Pirate) came in and noticed that I was new.  They introduced themselves and we talked a little bit.  Then a pastry chef (Ms. Ornitier) came in and she also stopped to introduce herself to me.  I realize the kitchen atmosphere can be brutal and somewhat hostile, but I deeply appreciate the 4 cooks that knew I was nervous and opened up to me.  If I ever make it big before they do, I will hire them and pay them handsomely!

6 hours into my shift we stopped to have the 'family meal,' the whole kitchen and wait staff came together for dinner.  Even though the 2 groups remained segregated after receiving their food, it was still a nice experience.  Each cooking station was responsible for making a dish which was served buffet style.  It was delicious.  After our meal, everyone returned to their stations to get ready for the dinner rush.  The cooks for the morning shift began to weed out one by one.  I was left alone in the back while all the dinner cooks went out on the line.  There I was, standing in solitude for a good 20-30 minutes wondering what I was supposed to do now.  A cook eventually came back and told me I was to go help the pastry chef (Ms. KP/ZD).  For lack of a better term, I was "shitting bricks."  My first day on the job and I had to go on the line, and to make matters worse, I was at the pastry station, a cook's weakness!  Luckily all I did was just plate the complimentary after dinner treats.  I was also right next to Pirate on the line, and he let me taste a few things which was pretty cool.  At the end of the night I was disappointed with my plating, but Ms. KP/ZD thanked me for my help anyways.  I felt bad. 

SUNDAY
After a 14 hour shift the night before, I came into work with my feet sore as hell, my lower back in pain.  Instead of standing around, I began going up to the other cooks and asking if I could help them do anything.  I think they respected my efforts, because they all started opening up to me more.  I was no longer an outcast!  I had been upgraded to the household rodent!!!  *high five*  I helped one of the sous chefs (Samurai) prep some things.  Samurai seems fairly young, but I know he's been in the game for a long time.  (I recall Anthony Bourdain writing about his early culinary experiences in Kitchen Confidential.  He wrote about how he admired one cook's hand, which was littered with the scars of experience in the kitchen.  He even mentioned that he aspired to have hands like that.  Samurai's arms can be best described as a warzone.  I don't want to have scars like him, but he does have my utmost respect).  

Ms. Ornitier was around and being her playful self (actually I don't know whether or not she's playful or flirtatious.  She needs to stop though. . .before I ask her to marry me!).  She was part of the morning shift and was getting ready to leave, so she gave me the task of prepping 'something' to be added to a complimentary dish.  I didn't know where the ingredients were so I kept on running back to her and asking.  Eventually she took her personal time to help me find/combine all the components together.  That was really nice of her.  Once dinner service started I was told to go back on the pastry line with Ms. KP/ZD.  I started prepping some things for her, and Stars came up to me and told me that she needed me to prep a root vegetable for her to use during service.  I pulled the vegetable out of the oven and started peeling them, but I couldn't get the skin off.  I must have spent 30 minutes peeling and I only managed to peel 2 of the vegetables.  At this point I was afraid that Stars would run out of her ingredient, and I did not have anything to restock her with.  I began to mentally break down, so I ran out onto the line and whispered to her that I was having a lot of trouble.  She gave me some tips, but I was still struggling.  Eventually she came back and showed me another way of peeling the skins, and  went back onto the line.  I used her technique that she showed me, but it didn't work for me.  Now I was furious and scared to death that Stars would be back any second, expecting me to have her vegetables ready.  I was preparing myself to be yelled at by the chef and to get fired for ruining dinner service.  I got lucky, no one really ordered that one dish that Stars needed the vegetable for.  Once the dinner rush slowed down, she came back and helped me finish all the vegetables.  I felt really bad about letting her down, but she said it was ok and blamed the vegetables for being lousy quality.  I knew this wasn't the case.  I helped her break down her station at the end of the night.  She let me eat her left overs and taste some ingredients in her mise-en-place.  I feel like she took me under her wing that evening, showing me how to do things, what to do, how to break down stations, etc.  We're going to get along just fine.

2 Months To Go

I looked at my calendar the other day and saw that I only have 5 paychecks left until I depart for France.  Wow!  With Paris drawing nearer,  I find myself extremely stressed.  My visa application and process were suspended due to CampusFrance telling me to wait until mid-October before they could process my application.  I have also been procrastinating, so I do take most of the blame for this.  Now it is the beginning of November and I am rushing to get the final details needed in order to obtain my visa.  I think the only things I am missing are: overseas health insurance, multiple passport sized photos, and some paper work I need to fill out.  I am almost there. 

My French lessons are abysmal.  My tutor is great, I just suck.  I can usually get my point across when speaking French, but my grammar is horrendous, and it takes me a long time to form a complete sentence.  I make Stephen Hawking seem fast.  Don't get me started on the listening comprehension. 

I do have some good new though!  I have been given an opportunity to stage at a restaurant, under a 'celebrity' chef.  I am keeping the name of the restaurant and chef anonymous out of respect.  My first day is tomorrow and I am super nervous.  I hope to do well and I hope that this stage will give me an advantage over my fellow classmates in February.  Who knows, maybe I will get the opportunity to stage at a Michelin starred restaurant in Paris.  Now that is how you build a résumé!

Parlez-vous français

I just got back from my first tutoring session for the French language.  I must say, I am glad I chose the instructor that I did.  She reminds me of my French 1 teacher, who spoke nothing but French during the first 2 days of class.  Today's lesson wasn't much of a lesson per se, but more of a information gathering.  She wanted to see how much I remembered from my high school days (8 years ago).  My tutor spoke mostly in French, with a little English in between.  When she figured out that I could 'understand' most of what she was saying, she switched to 90% French.  Realistically, I probably understood only 60% of what she was saying.  Most of the time I was able to deduce the meaning of a sentence by picking out a word or two.  I would hardly consider this 'good comprehension,' or as she said, "je pense tu comprends beaucoup."  Sorry madame, I do not!

I was given a homework assignment, where I have to write a short essay about myself.  Things I enjoy doing, my family, etc.  I am somewhat confident in my writing ability. . .on a kindergarten level!!!  The grammar might not be perfect, but I think I can get my point across.

Madame, made me some coffee with a French press (which I thought was very 'highbrow' in a good way), and she also brought out a French cook book, which she says she will use to help me with my food/cooking vocabulary.  I really admire her for accommodating my needs.  Can't wait for my next lesson! 

Until next time, À tout à l'heure.

Struggles with CampusFrance

I don't really understand the purpose of CampusFrance.  If I had to explain it, I would say it seems like a department of the French consulate (they share the same address), whose sole purpose of existence is to extort money from prospective students.  Allow me to explain: I registered myself on their website, filled out my personal info, and then I had to mail them a copy of my acceptance letter, along with a $140 money order for a 'processing fee,' which I feel is bribe money.  Then I have to wait to be accepted by CampusFrance, before I can proceed to schedule my visa interview with the consulate.

"Hey guys, here is my letter of acceptance, it proves that I am legit. . .No?  maybe my pal Benjamin can persuade you?  oh look! the Jackson twins are following right behind him!"

Anyways, my bribe money didn't work because I got this follow up email:

"Dear Raymond,

We received your money order and acceptance letter. It is too soon for us to process your file since your program doesn't begin until February 2013.  Please recontact us is mid October and we will process your file then. 

Sincerely, 

CampusFranceUSA "

Bollocks! I say! 


I have started my search for a French language tutor as well as a place to live in Paris.  No luck with either yet.  I am debating the pros and cons of living in my own apartment versus living with a host family.  In the end I feel like I may lean towards a host family, with the hopes of elevating my French comprehension.  Damn, I sure will miss the days where I could run around the house in my underwear, re-enacting Tom Cruise's 'Risky Business' dance.  Quel dommage (what a pity).

Well before I end for the day, let me present you all with a picture of my dessert during lunch today.  I got the recipe off the Washington Post.

Peaches with Rosemary-Mascarpone Whipped Cream

I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED! (Click on picture to zoom in)  I’d like to thank everyone who has supported me over the past few months/years.  I’ll make you all proud or die trying.

I created this blog to keep friends and family updated with my progress as I prepare for my departure to Paris, as well as my experiences, travels, and life in France.  This blog will be open to the public as well.  I found that most of the blogs I read, did not have adequate information on how to proceed after obtaining an acceptance letter from the school.  If any prospective students are reading this, and  have questions, feel free to ask and I will respond ASAP.

Now for a long story about my background.  I would say that I’ve been cooking my whole life.  It’s hard not to in a Chinese household.  The whole culture revolves around massive potlucks, sometimes on a weekly basis.  BBQ cat, grilled dogs, deep fried rat in a sweet and spicy sauce, I can’t help but to salivate at the thought.  I was put on rice cooking duties before I was out of diapers, so to say that cooking is in my blood would be an understatement.  By the way, I was joking about the cats, dogs, and rats.  The correct names for those dishes are really called: General Tso’s Chicken, Sesame Chicken, and Orange Chicken to fool you all. . . . HAHAHA!

I never realized I had a passion for cooking until my high school years.  I was at a friend’s house for a sleepover one weekend.  We were starving, so he said he’d make some soup and rice.  My friend served me the soup and asked my thoughts on how it tasted.  What ensued next was, well, a huge argument because I said, “It tastes like SH**.”  Long story short, he challenged me to do better, so every weekend after, and holiday breaks, we would get together and cook.  Flash forward about 10 years and here I am, still passionately cooking away.

“Why throw away a stable job in such bad economic times?” is a question that I get asked a lot.  
I hate to use the term ‘YOLO,’ (You Only Live Once)
  Actually, scratch that, I’m not using that stupid acronym.  Here is a movie clip that explains everything.

http://www.infinitelooper.com/?v=TkX-TPaodoM&p=n#/58;130

Well, that’s all I have for now.  Thanks for reading.  Shout out to my former boss Donny for everything you’ve done, and being super supportive.
à bientôt